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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Don`t waste my timeline.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!