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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!