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I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.