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It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.