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Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.