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You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."