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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?