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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.