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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.