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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.