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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing