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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.