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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...