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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”