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The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.