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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.