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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Good for you, people that do things.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.