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I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.