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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Honk if you are reading this.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
and alcohol are now friends.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.