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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."