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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
The word bed looks like a bed.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?