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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.