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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Your things are terrific.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.