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Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...