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Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
bras are booby-traps
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.