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As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
My life is just one long improvisation.
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark