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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.