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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
I need new swear words.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...