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When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.