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The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.