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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.