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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I make a great second impression.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.