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I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!