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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point