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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work