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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?