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I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.