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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
New day, same old bullsh!t
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.