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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you