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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.