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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.