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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Everyday Iām shoveling. ā Winter 2014
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.