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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.