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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.