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Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.