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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.