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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.