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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.