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My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.