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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.