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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........