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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.