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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.