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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.