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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"