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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."